To Be or Not to Be A Mom

This for me was never a question, from an early age I just knew I wanted to be a mother. Looking at my school years book I had answered the question the same all the way through, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" a mom.
Of course, I had it all planned like any young girl who wants children in their future. Two boys and a girl, yep perfect. But, of course, life never turns out like you plan.
At the age of 17 I met my future husband, him 20, both young and in love we set out on making a life together. We married 4 years later in a small ceremony, perfect. Within that first year, we welcomed our first son Chad. It was all that I had imagined and more, I completely fell in love with this little person. He was a good baby, slept well, ate very well, hit all the milestones. Life was good.
At the age of two we decided to add to our family and got pregnant within a few months. Around this time, our son had become very ill with a Septic infection which almost took his little life. He did pull through but was never the same little boy.
Months passed and things had settled down with our son, unfortunately, my pregnancy had not progressed normally and there were serious complications. We had our daughter at 35 wks, with severe birth defects she passed the next day. Of course we were devastated, it changed me and my husband as people.
We eventually moved to a new place and tried to move on. We again tried for another baby. I became pregnant right away. Again this pregnancy had serious complications. I developed placenta pre-via which put my baby and I at great risk.
I managed to bring my second son to term and delivered a healthy baby. It was at this time I realized that I needed to be thankful for the children I had.
 The decision to not have any more children was difficult for me. For months afterwards I suffered from guilt and the overwhelming feeling of having another child, maybe that little girl. But as time passed and I became very busy with life, raising two boys those feelings diminished and I began to feel at peace with my decisions and the tragedies in my life. For me, I believe that everything happens for a reason. As my mom would say, you may not understand the reason at the time but one day you will.
I believe that having my oldest son contracting a serious illness which left him with a brain injury, and the loss of our daughter as an infant, even going through a rough pregnancy with my second son happened to shape the person I am today. Without those events in my life I would not understand how special needs affects families, how a tiny baby could teach you about unconditional love, how all of this could shake my faith to its core only to eventually become the person I am today.

This was taken around 13 years ago