I grew up as an only child, so as an adult I wanted at least two children. When my second son came along it was an extremely emotional time in our lives. After losing a daughter a year earlier it was a huge accomplishment that we had Jordan. Our oldest son Chad was excited about the idea of a baby brother. Someone to play with, at last a friend.
Both boys grew and they did everything together. I tried my best to give each child time alone with me, movies, supper, or just talking alone. I did notice however that Chad was lagging behind in his development, being 4 years apart this was very noticeable. This of course was the beginning of trying to help one son and leaving the other behind. It didn't happen on purpose, but gradually I focused more on Chad. While Jordan showed signs of being gifted I did try to foster his talents. Putting him in French Immersion to challenge him academically. He excelled in school! He seemed to be a well rounded person who loved God, his family, and friends. The early years were the best. Jordan loved his brother and became helping him with daily activities, the roles seemed reversed for a while.
As Chad became a teenager things got worse at home. His behaviour was extreme and Jordan had to bear the brunt of all this. Seeing that things were chaotic at home I put Jordan in counselling both at school and other areas. I thought I was doing what was best for him. Thought that the counselling would help, fix it somehow. It didn't.
Instead of helping Jordan work through the difficulties at home, counselling made him shut down, keep things to himself. I don't mean to blame the counsellors, I thought that if Jordan was that unstable that someone should have seen the signs before it became too late. I didn't see the signs. Again I was preoccupied with Chad and trying to cope with a difficult living situation, anger and instability was my life. In all the whirl wind was my precious boy Jordan getting lost, I had lost him.
At age 15 Jordan went to Junior High School, he left all his friends, even his best friend, which I didn't know at the time. He chose new friends, ones that would accept him, ones that introduced him to the world of drugs. Of course I didn't find out until a year later. I have often wondered why parents didn't know that their child was into drugs. Now I can say I didn't know, until the day I searched his room. Devastated was the feeling, anger too. My boy had turned to drugs to self medicate, I was lost now too.
We have gone through 4 years of ups and downs with Jordan. Kicking him out, only to let him back in. Trying to convince him to go to school, or work or something, all to no avail. He is now almost 19 and has become a little more responsible. Still smoking pot, which everyone says, is not harmful. I beg to differ. It help make my gifted child, lazy, and irresponsible. Like I said he has gotten better, I do worry and wonder what his life is going to turn out like. Will I ever see the strong, gifted boy again. I can feel guilty I guess, but I have learned that there comes a time when your kids are grown up, that they have to make choices. You can't be a part of these choices, only hope that you have taught them enough to make the right ones. I know I did, and I have to be happy with that.
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